Why I chose the tag of the reuctant christian

Posted: July 2, 2011 in Christian

I was raised with Christianity as the basis of my religious belief system from the time I became aware. As I believe is  the case in most American households (at least the ones I knew of), my mother was the rock and the driving force behind my religious education. I was taught to read the bible and to pray daily and to go church and worshiped the Lord faithfully. I also was taught to think for myself and since I was taught that the scriptures are the unassailable Word of Our Lord, I assumed that what I read was accurate, in other words, the scripture means what it says.  This attitude ended up causing some issues because I found out that what I was reading in the scriptures and what I was hearing from the pulpit didn’t always coincide. Therefore, I became a ‘problem child’ with the Sunday School teachers when I started asking them to explain the differences between what was being taught and what I was reading. Without knowing the official terminology, what I was running across was what is loosely referred to as allegorizing the scriptures. Even though I had a good family structure, it couldn’t save me from the evils of the world and at the age of twelve I was sexually abused by an assistant Boy Scout leader. In today’s environment, the dangers of such things are better acknowledged and are watched for, but as a child in small town America in the 1960’s, I felt alone and lost. It didn’t help that he kept telling me how it was my fault and how everyone would blame me for it and so to deal with it (or to try to mask it and to attempt to make it go away and to not deal with it, as was the case), I turned to drugs and alcohol. Basically from the time I became a teenager until a few short years ago, I ran. I spent most of my adult life drinking or taking drugs and ended up all over the board religiously still looking for peace which resulted in me going several different directions spiritually. I dabbled in the occult and practiced American Indian religions and ceremonies while I embraced multiculturalism and the idea of many gods while calling God a quaint myth, attempting to completely reject God as I danced my complicated tango with Satan.

While practicing American Indian spiritualism, I found myself calling on powers that I had no control over and ended up frightening myself to my core which made me back up and take stock of what I was dabbling in. At this point I started listening to some audio recording relating to science and the bible and I became once again fascinated with the concept of science proving creation. Over the next few years, I listened to more and more of these interesting tapes and started discussion religion with some coworkers. On January 15, 2010 after attempt after attempt to stop drinking I prayed for the first time in many years to The Lord in desperation to save me from  alcohol and he answered and stopped my desire to drink right then and there. From that prayer forward, I went from not being able to imagine a day without drinking to not having a desire for anything alcoholic.

At the time I prayed in desperation on that cold January evening, I didn’t pray to My Lord because I loved Him, or because I respected Him. I only prayed to Him because I had run out of options and I was tired of drinking and couldn’t stop and I took a chance. That is a crapola reason to call on The Lord, but He still listened and still responded by granting me a miracle. I therefore was reluctant to even acknowledge My Lord, much less praise Him but through all my turning away and blasphemes and curses I lashed upon Him, He was still there for me and still let me know that He loves me regardless of my multitude of faults. Hallelujah dear Lord, thank you so much, My Father for not turning away from me as I turned away from You.



  1. lindaann59 says:

    This is a touching article but it is also one that takes bravery to tell the world. I have watched you through the many phases you have mentioned and as we both matured, I began praying for you and hoping you would find your way back. I as your supporter could not completely pull away from you no matter what you were dabbling with because you were my dear, dear brother and couldn’t desert you. It took your prayer of course, to get you connected and I praise God as I have never before for his mercy and patience….You have come home….

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